Get Broken.

This blog has been looong in the making. SO much has happened since the last report I gave you. So many thoughts, lessons, frustrations, joys, and prayers. Sickness and health. Excitement and sadness. It gets so overwhelming to try and capture it all in a way that makes sense. The more time flies, the less equipped I am to account for it all. I fear that even my own thoughts are clouded, so how shall I express them to you, who are miles and miles away from my heart and my head? Let me try and please forgive me if my attempts fail.

I am lost and I am found.
Standing still and spinning around.

And Maybe we all must be lost to be found.
We can’t be picked up til we hit ground.

*Get broken by circumstance you can’t control. Get broken by bodies without soul.
Get broken in joy and fear. Get broken by smile and by tear.
Get broken by smell and by sweat. Get broken and don’t forget.

These past two months have been a time of being built up only to be broken. Stand up and fall down. Try and fail. Stay still and run fast. Shout out and let noise drown my voice. Watch everybody stare and no one learns my name. Put on my brightest smile and cry my heaviest tears. You might read this and be tempted to pity me. Please don’t. Pity is not what I want. I want excitement. How many of us live our lives admitting that we are broken? How many of us ever fully realize that we are NOT in control?

U.S. Lauren doesn’t have to admit that she is lost and confused. U.S. Lauren could avoid vulnerability if she truly wanted to. She doesn’t have to stare devastation in the face. U.S. Lauren doesn’t have lunch with former slaves and play with bonded children. She doesn’t have to answer the toughest question – why them and not me? She can paint pretty pictures and pretend that they are real. U.S. Lauren could build a white picket fence to block out the world’s greatest problems. South Asia Lauren is different. Well- truth is, South Asia Lauren is the same girl, different circumstances. And in those circumstances, she cannot help but be broken. Broken by work that is challenging and very unglamorous. Broken by heat and stench. Broken by noise that clouds thoughts. Broken by beggars in streets. Broken by relationships that she can’t control. Broken by chaos. But brokenness brings her to her knees. Being on her knees brings her to a slow crawl. And on hands and knees, crawling through dirty roads, this Lauren is finding Jesus. Again and again and again…crawling – finding. Crawling – finding. Crawling – finding.

I can assure you despite the weight of my metaphors, that this is the most oddly joyful report I could ever give. I have never prayed the way I pray here and I have never felt the arms of my Lord and Savior wrapped so tightly around me. I have never felt so loved in such pain. I have never felt so cleansed in such dirt. I have never felt so steady in such a whirlwind of experiences/thoughts. I hate dishing out so many paradoxes all the time, but I just can’t help myself. Anything less than extreme would be downright dishonest! And those of you who know me hopefully know that I think dishonesty is a waste of life.

I promise that I will give you a more informative blog sometime soon and if you stick with me long enough, I might even write a light-hearted one somewhere down the road (Haha…I really am having lots of wonderfully joyful experiences here, I promise :)! But for now, thank you for letting me write this mess of a message to you.

Prayer Requests: Guidance in my work and motivation to give my all. Continued help in our upcoming cases. Focus on what’s right in front of me. The constant reminder that I am not in control and that is a good thing! Traveling mercies at Christmas!!!:)