This blog has been looong in the making. SO much has happened since the last report I gave you. So many thoughts, lessons, frustrations, joys, and prayers. Sickness and health. Excitement and sadness. It gets so overwhelming to try and capture it all in a way that makes sense. The more time flies, the less equipped I am to account for it all. I fear that even my own thoughts are clouded, so how shall I express them to you, who are miles and miles away from my heart and my head? Let me try and please forgive me if my attempts fail.
I am lost and I am found.
Standing still and spinning around.
And Maybe we all must be lost to be found.
We can’t be picked up til we hit ground.
*Get broken by circumstance you can’t control. Get broken by bodies without soul.
Get broken in joy and fear. Get broken by smile and by tear.
Get broken by smell and by sweat. Get broken and don’t forget.
These past two months have been a time of being built up only to be broken. Stand up and fall down. Try and fail. Stay still and run fast. Shout out and let noise drown my voice. Watch everybody stare and no one learns my name. Put on my brightest smile and cry my heaviest tears. You might read this and be tempted to pity me. Please don’t. Pity is not what I want. I want excitement. How many of us live our lives admitting that we are broken? How many of us ever fully realize that we are NOT in control?
U.S. Lauren doesn’t have to admit that she is lost and confused. U.S. Lauren could avoid vulnerability if she truly wanted to. She doesn’t have to stare devastation in the face. U.S. Lauren doesn’t have lunch with former slaves and play with bonded children. She doesn’t have to answer the toughest question – why them and not me? She can paint pretty pictures and pretend that they are real. U.S. Lauren could build a white picket fence to block out the world’s greatest problems. South Asia Lauren is different. Well- truth is, South Asia Lauren is the same girl, different circumstances. And in those circumstances, she cannot help but be broken. Broken by work that is challenging and very unglamorous. Broken by heat and stench. Broken by noise that clouds thoughts. Broken by beggars in streets. Broken by relationships that she can’t control. Broken by chaos. But brokenness brings her to her knees. Being on her knees brings her to a slow crawl. And on hands and knees, crawling through dirty roads, this Lauren is finding Jesus. Again and again and again…crawling – finding. Crawling – finding. Crawling – finding.
I can assure you despite the weight of my metaphors, that this is the most oddly joyful report I could ever give. I have never prayed the way I pray here and I have never felt the arms of my Lord and Savior wrapped so tightly around me. I have never felt so loved in such pain. I have never felt so cleansed in such dirt. I have never felt so steady in such a whirlwind of experiences/thoughts. I hate dishing out so many paradoxes all the time, but I just can’t help myself. Anything less than extreme would be downright dishonest! And those of you who know me hopefully know that I think dishonesty is a waste of life.
I promise that I will give you a more informative blog sometime soon and if you stick with me long enough, I might even write a light-hearted one somewhere down the road (Haha…I really am having lots of wonderfully joyful experiences here, I promise :)! But for now, thank you for letting me write this mess of a message to you.
Prayer Requests: Guidance in my work and motivation to give my all. Continued help in our upcoming cases. Focus on what’s right in front of me. The constant reminder that I am not in control and that is a good thing! Traveling mercies at Christmas!!!:)
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Of Style and Starvation
“Find rest, O my soul [in God alone]… Hope comes.” (My variation of Psalm 62:5). Today I asked the Lord to let my soul find rest- the things I’m seeing just don’t make sense. I was right in saying that trauma would be a regular presence. I walk past starvation/defecation every day. And all I do is walk away.
I went shopping yesterday for traditional wear (Salwars and Saris) at the “mall.” Much of my experience was entirely what I expected it to be, the rest was not so. Sometimes it’s the strangest things that haunt you the most. Here is my account…
I go shopping to buy pretty things: Sari’s, Salwar’s, purses, jewelry, fancy with color and culture. I collect my souvenirs and walk out with a smile- what a deal! Carrying my goods/goodies I walk to an auto (a taxi of sorts). My feet move and my heart stops- I see an old man stuck on the ground in motionless misery. He looks like the oldest man on earth. His skin clings to every fragile bone in his body. He reaches out in silence. I've never seen frailty like his. The frailty of facing death at any moment. I’ve never seen eyes like his. Eyes that express unspeakable need. I've seen the poor before, but not like this. This was different. Yet I continue walking. His outstretched hand receives none of my wealth, I keep it for myself. His belly receives no food, mine is full. I grasp my bags and walk away.
Today I feel wretched- almost as if I’ve missed every word that Christ has ever spoken, as if I’ve somehow lost all His commands. Singing the hymn “Count Your Blessings” this morning at office devotional brought tears to my eyes. What of the man who has no blessings to count? What song can he sing? I’m trying to bring this all to Christ, but what can I bring? What can I pray? Words (proper words) escape me. Today I wore my new purchase from last night’s shopping trip- a pretty new Salwar. People stop to compliment me: “Lauren that is so beautiful! Where did you get it?” My stomach sinks- did I spend money on colored fabric instead of giving that old man some food? Maybe some would say there’s no connection between the two. Some might say that I can’t live my life worrying about all these things- surely I will go crazy. But how can I avoid crazy? I cannot get that man's face out of my head. This world sucks. One man’s best day is another man’s worst. I just saw ‘worse’ and I did nothing. But I got up this morning and put on my smile, trying my best to enjoy South Asia despite its tragedy. I am brought to my knees. What have I done? What have I left undone? And what must I do now? Creation is dying- with hands outstretched and painful groaning. And still I sit here in my pretty new outfit. How can I make sense of such stark contrast? I know I am here to do a good thing with a great organization. Perhaps that is enough to make up for what I see every day and the way it shakes my very core. But what if it’s not enough? What if nothing is? Lord help us all.
Lauren.Susan
Prayer Requests: That hope comes, wisdom to know what to do in the face of daily tragedy, that I don’t grow numb to the horrors that we’re supposed to be paying attention to, and that you don’t either.
I went shopping yesterday for traditional wear (Salwars and Saris) at the “mall.” Much of my experience was entirely what I expected it to be, the rest was not so. Sometimes it’s the strangest things that haunt you the most. Here is my account…
I go shopping to buy pretty things: Sari’s, Salwar’s, purses, jewelry, fancy with color and culture. I collect my souvenirs and walk out with a smile- what a deal! Carrying my goods/goodies I walk to an auto (a taxi of sorts). My feet move and my heart stops- I see an old man stuck on the ground in motionless misery. He looks like the oldest man on earth. His skin clings to every fragile bone in his body. He reaches out in silence. I've never seen frailty like his. The frailty of facing death at any moment. I’ve never seen eyes like his. Eyes that express unspeakable need. I've seen the poor before, but not like this. This was different. Yet I continue walking. His outstretched hand receives none of my wealth, I keep it for myself. His belly receives no food, mine is full. I grasp my bags and walk away.
Today I feel wretched- almost as if I’ve missed every word that Christ has ever spoken, as if I’ve somehow lost all His commands. Singing the hymn “Count Your Blessings” this morning at office devotional brought tears to my eyes. What of the man who has no blessings to count? What song can he sing? I’m trying to bring this all to Christ, but what can I bring? What can I pray? Words (proper words) escape me. Today I wore my new purchase from last night’s shopping trip- a pretty new Salwar. People stop to compliment me: “Lauren that is so beautiful! Where did you get it?” My stomach sinks- did I spend money on colored fabric instead of giving that old man some food? Maybe some would say there’s no connection between the two. Some might say that I can’t live my life worrying about all these things- surely I will go crazy. But how can I avoid crazy? I cannot get that man's face out of my head. This world sucks. One man’s best day is another man’s worst. I just saw ‘worse’ and I did nothing. But I got up this morning and put on my smile, trying my best to enjoy South Asia despite its tragedy. I am brought to my knees. What have I done? What have I left undone? And what must I do now? Creation is dying- with hands outstretched and painful groaning. And still I sit here in my pretty new outfit. How can I make sense of such stark contrast? I know I am here to do a good thing with a great organization. Perhaps that is enough to make up for what I see every day and the way it shakes my very core. But what if it’s not enough? What if nothing is? Lord help us all.
Lauren.Susan
Prayer Requests: That hope comes, wisdom to know what to do in the face of daily tragedy, that I don’t grow numb to the horrors that we’re supposed to be paying attention to, and that you don’t either.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
i am adventure.
I am the adventurer. I go to far-off lands to meet far-off people. I have experiences that most people only dream of. I build character across culture. I cross boundaries and color outside the lines. My stories paint pictures in technicolor. I seek the unknown and go beyond it. I am brave, aren’t i? Hmm...
But beneath the rad façade is a little girl in the fetal position. I am no great adventurer! I’m freaking scared to cross the road! In this new place I find myself scared as often as excited, uncertain as often as certain. Sure I’ve only been here 5 days, but it seems that this pattern of up and down is sure to accompany me throughout this year. I get excited about new food but then scared of sickness. I have a great desire to go out and experience the city but then see my life flash before my eyes every time i get close to the insane traffic! I get pumped up for my new job but then deflate when i realize how unprepared i am for such things. I am interested in meeting new people but then fear for my safety. I am passionate about helping people in heinous need but then am overwhelmed by the staggering reality of bonded labor (FOR INSTANCE: many bonded laborers here are forced to work 20 hours a day, 7 days a week, with no food. They are starved and thrown out like trash. One woman was forced to have her baby without a doctor and continue working…).
Clearly i must learn balance. Before me is an experiment in mellowing out and calming down. This is a character building opportunity, as my dad would helpfully point out. I can feel it beginning: adjustment, flexibility. Long fears of what it would be like and what it first seemed are coming to rest. Some fears are proven true, while others are quite wrong. In some ways i’m more scared now, in others i’m less afraid. I suppose this makes about as much sense in writing as it does in my head- that is, very little. Adjust to my stream-of-consciousness if you’d like, or not- whatever works best for you. But this blog might be painful if you don’t like my scattered heart in print.
One thing i do know, in the midst of my mind mess, is that i’ve started this journey in such a different manner than Uganda. Uganda had a blissful beginning with all the trappings of the honey moon phase of culture shock. I loved everything and everyone. The first weeks were dream-like and easy to love. My maiden voyage to South Asia, on the other hand, started with many unpleasantries…
I began the trek on a gray day in groggy dreariness. My goodbyes hit me harder this time (especially one very painful goodbye) and my preparedness was arguably pathetic. I traveled alone and wallowed in that fact. I got sick on the 15 hour plane ride to Mumbai and then sat rotting in the airport by myself all night. I felt sick, alone, unsure, and quite possibly depressed. I caught my next plane at 6:00 am, not one of my favorite hours of the day. Upon arrival at my destination, i was driven to my temporary housing. On my ride from the airport i thought i might get into about 50 accidents, give or take a few. But, you may be relieved to know that the misery of my journey subsided quite a bit when i got to the place i wanted most: a bed. After 48 hours of little to no sleep, my bed became my best friend for 7 hours (in the middle of the day! Oops). And my misery all but disappeared when i went to my boss’ house for dinner with many other interns and fellows. I realized what is going to make this year insanely amazing and entirely worth it: PEOPLE!! Silly me for forgetting that meeting new people is one of my favorite activities! How could i dismiss the wild array of people around this crazy globe that restore my soul and make my life a real thing?! PEOPLE! People are my reality. They live and breathe and teach me to do the same. They have stories to tell and hearts that beat. PEOPLE! One of the reasons we can approach our Lord and Savior the way we do is because he became human to be with us – Immanuel. He came to show Himself as God and man and He came to relate to PEOPLE. This world is entirely filled with new people to meet and love. I’ve only begun to scratch the surface, but this town is yet another example that awesome people exist in every place, in every time, and every circumstance. I encourage every one of you to go meet someone new as soon as possible (Preferably someone who doesn’t look/act just like you). Listen and learn- Ahhh yes, and remember that Christ uses PEOPLE! Little ones like you and i, if we would but uncurl from our fetal positions. And i feel encouraged to do just that by the people here. The people in my office have already touched my life by welcoming me as a new family member, by reminding me to smile & laugh, by assuring me that it’s okay to miss home, by showing me the alternative-style beauty this city has to offer, and by revealing to me that this truly is a great adventure!
So while i may not be the bravest soul there ever was, i did choose to travel to the other side of the world to have “other-worldly” experiences. I want to taste the spice of South Asia, whatever the intestinal consequence. I want to sprint across the treacherous street if it means i can venture our on the town. I want to succeed at my job and learn to do my best, even if i make a mistake or two (or 200). I want to experience this city inside and out. I have fears- yes, plenty of them. But i will lay them aside- NAY, i will stomp on them if it brings me closer to being a true adventurer (for description of such a lofty term, see beginning of this overwhelming, overloaded post).
PRAYER REQUESTS: that us girls will make a closing deal on an apartment we found, that my new friend Amie gets her visa so she can join us, that my job becomes easier for me to understand/approach, and for continued health and safety (especially on the streets,,, i really mean it. The traffic is insane- i almost got hit today by an auto while I was standing still on the “sidewalk” tonight. I’m having trouble adjusting to the driving here)!
But beneath the rad façade is a little girl in the fetal position. I am no great adventurer! I’m freaking scared to cross the road! In this new place I find myself scared as often as excited, uncertain as often as certain. Sure I’ve only been here 5 days, but it seems that this pattern of up and down is sure to accompany me throughout this year. I get excited about new food but then scared of sickness. I have a great desire to go out and experience the city but then see my life flash before my eyes every time i get close to the insane traffic! I get pumped up for my new job but then deflate when i realize how unprepared i am for such things. I am interested in meeting new people but then fear for my safety. I am passionate about helping people in heinous need but then am overwhelmed by the staggering reality of bonded labor (FOR INSTANCE: many bonded laborers here are forced to work 20 hours a day, 7 days a week, with no food. They are starved and thrown out like trash. One woman was forced to have her baby without a doctor and continue working…).
Clearly i must learn balance. Before me is an experiment in mellowing out and calming down. This is a character building opportunity, as my dad would helpfully point out. I can feel it beginning: adjustment, flexibility. Long fears of what it would be like and what it first seemed are coming to rest. Some fears are proven true, while others are quite wrong. In some ways i’m more scared now, in others i’m less afraid. I suppose this makes about as much sense in writing as it does in my head- that is, very little. Adjust to my stream-of-consciousness if you’d like, or not- whatever works best for you. But this blog might be painful if you don’t like my scattered heart in print.
One thing i do know, in the midst of my mind mess, is that i’ve started this journey in such a different manner than Uganda. Uganda had a blissful beginning with all the trappings of the honey moon phase of culture shock. I loved everything and everyone. The first weeks were dream-like and easy to love. My maiden voyage to South Asia, on the other hand, started with many unpleasantries…
I began the trek on a gray day in groggy dreariness. My goodbyes hit me harder this time (especially one very painful goodbye) and my preparedness was arguably pathetic. I traveled alone and wallowed in that fact. I got sick on the 15 hour plane ride to Mumbai and then sat rotting in the airport by myself all night. I felt sick, alone, unsure, and quite possibly depressed. I caught my next plane at 6:00 am, not one of my favorite hours of the day. Upon arrival at my destination, i was driven to my temporary housing. On my ride from the airport i thought i might get into about 50 accidents, give or take a few. But, you may be relieved to know that the misery of my journey subsided quite a bit when i got to the place i wanted most: a bed. After 48 hours of little to no sleep, my bed became my best friend for 7 hours (in the middle of the day! Oops). And my misery all but disappeared when i went to my boss’ house for dinner with many other interns and fellows. I realized what is going to make this year insanely amazing and entirely worth it: PEOPLE!! Silly me for forgetting that meeting new people is one of my favorite activities! How could i dismiss the wild array of people around this crazy globe that restore my soul and make my life a real thing?! PEOPLE! People are my reality. They live and breathe and teach me to do the same. They have stories to tell and hearts that beat. PEOPLE! One of the reasons we can approach our Lord and Savior the way we do is because he became human to be with us – Immanuel. He came to show Himself as God and man and He came to relate to PEOPLE. This world is entirely filled with new people to meet and love. I’ve only begun to scratch the surface, but this town is yet another example that awesome people exist in every place, in every time, and every circumstance. I encourage every one of you to go meet someone new as soon as possible (Preferably someone who doesn’t look/act just like you). Listen and learn- Ahhh yes, and remember that Christ uses PEOPLE! Little ones like you and i, if we would but uncurl from our fetal positions. And i feel encouraged to do just that by the people here. The people in my office have already touched my life by welcoming me as a new family member, by reminding me to smile & laugh, by assuring me that it’s okay to miss home, by showing me the alternative-style beauty this city has to offer, and by revealing to me that this truly is a great adventure!
So while i may not be the bravest soul there ever was, i did choose to travel to the other side of the world to have “other-worldly” experiences. I want to taste the spice of South Asia, whatever the intestinal consequence. I want to sprint across the treacherous street if it means i can venture our on the town. I want to succeed at my job and learn to do my best, even if i make a mistake or two (or 200). I want to experience this city inside and out. I have fears- yes, plenty of them. But i will lay them aside- NAY, i will stomp on them if it brings me closer to being a true adventurer (for description of such a lofty term, see beginning of this overwhelming, overloaded post).
PRAYER REQUESTS: that us girls will make a closing deal on an apartment we found, that my new friend Amie gets her visa so she can join us, that my job becomes easier for me to understand/approach, and for continued health and safety (especially on the streets,,, i really mean it. The traffic is insane- i almost got hit today by an auto while I was standing still on the “sidewalk” tonight. I’m having trouble adjusting to the driving here)!
Thursday, September 24, 2009
This is the beginning...the beginning...the beginning of our story
And so it begins…the most intense experience of my life. Picture this: Lauren Peffley walking the streets of DC in a suit…? Haha, doesn’t that just scream INTENSITY?!?! I assure you that what I set out to write is much more intense than a recent college grad trading in her sweats for suits. What I write about here and now is the story of a young girl trading the familiar with the UN(familiar). A girl jumping head first into the biggest adventure yet- an internship with International Justice Mission.
Training week was an overwhelming, yet fulfilling experience. The baby IJMers got to hear from an experienced and well-spoken staff that looked something like super-heroes to my eyes. We were reminded of the mission that we are now on: the mission to “seek justice, to encourage the oppressed, to defend the cause of the fatherless, to plead the case of the widow.” (Isaiah 1:17) It is one thing to say this casually to a friend, but I assure you it is entirely different to see it being acted out by the brave souls at IJM. They have truly taken up this cause. It was refreshing to see people so devoted to serving the poor and following God’s heart.
We got the chance to hear about each department and its function. We learned the importance of stories. We became familiar with IJM’s four fold purpose (victim relief, perpetrator accountability, structural transformation, and victim aftercare). We witnessed an organization that is entirely Christian, entirely professional, entirely attentive to detail, and entirely devoted to a cause. We joined in daily prayer for ongoing operations. We met our amazing fellow interns. We read casework methodology. We deployed pepper spray! And I’m telling you, we swallowed an insane amount of information! I cannot tell you how much it meant to let it all sink in. Over the summer, I told people over and over again what I’m about to go do and it became my scripted story on repeat. Only this week did I begin to realize the importance of this story. This is real and it is happening now! I’m leaving for South Asia today and it is a big deal! Hearing the staff of this incredible organization tell us that we were going to make a difference- that we are Christ’s hands and feet in this world- really made me stop and wonder…Are they crazy?! The answer is NO. They really do believe that it is both our duty and our privilege to serve the poor. When Moses heard from almighty God that he was to go and rescue his people, Moses said “Who am i?” God did not give Moses an easy answer. He didn’t say “Well, Moses you are qualified for this job in SO many ways and let me tell you what I mean…” No, instead He said “I will be with you.” Now GO. (Exodus 3)
The question “Who am i?” has been occupying my brain space since I got this internship. Who am I and how can I ever do this? We all have times where we ask the question, even spiritual giants like Moses voiced their doubts on the matter. But we must realize that no matter who we are, we are called by God to GO seek justice and He will GO with us. So who am i? I’m Lauren Peffley! I’m GOing to South Asia. I’m GOing to be an intern with International Justice Mission. I am GOing to do significant work. And dangit, I am GOing to affect lives.
All in God’s hands. Peace
lauren.susan
Prayer Requests: Safety in travel. Health in arrival (so I don’t get pegged for a Swine Flu victim- ee gads). That I find the women who are picking me up from the airport! And that the city welcomes me with sights and sounds to remember!
Training week was an overwhelming, yet fulfilling experience. The baby IJMers got to hear from an experienced and well-spoken staff that looked something like super-heroes to my eyes. We were reminded of the mission that we are now on: the mission to “seek justice, to encourage the oppressed, to defend the cause of the fatherless, to plead the case of the widow.” (Isaiah 1:17) It is one thing to say this casually to a friend, but I assure you it is entirely different to see it being acted out by the brave souls at IJM. They have truly taken up this cause. It was refreshing to see people so devoted to serving the poor and following God’s heart.
We got the chance to hear about each department and its function. We learned the importance of stories. We became familiar with IJM’s four fold purpose (victim relief, perpetrator accountability, structural transformation, and victim aftercare). We witnessed an organization that is entirely Christian, entirely professional, entirely attentive to detail, and entirely devoted to a cause. We joined in daily prayer for ongoing operations. We met our amazing fellow interns. We read casework methodology. We deployed pepper spray! And I’m telling you, we swallowed an insane amount of information! I cannot tell you how much it meant to let it all sink in. Over the summer, I told people over and over again what I’m about to go do and it became my scripted story on repeat. Only this week did I begin to realize the importance of this story. This is real and it is happening now! I’m leaving for South Asia today and it is a big deal! Hearing the staff of this incredible organization tell us that we were going to make a difference- that we are Christ’s hands and feet in this world- really made me stop and wonder…Are they crazy?! The answer is NO. They really do believe that it is both our duty and our privilege to serve the poor. When Moses heard from almighty God that he was to go and rescue his people, Moses said “Who am i?” God did not give Moses an easy answer. He didn’t say “Well, Moses you are qualified for this job in SO many ways and let me tell you what I mean…” No, instead He said “I will be with you.” Now GO. (Exodus 3)
The question “Who am i?” has been occupying my brain space since I got this internship. Who am I and how can I ever do this? We all have times where we ask the question, even spiritual giants like Moses voiced their doubts on the matter. But we must realize that no matter who we are, we are called by God to GO seek justice and He will GO with us. So who am i? I’m Lauren Peffley! I’m GOing to South Asia. I’m GOing to be an intern with International Justice Mission. I am GOing to do significant work. And dangit, I am GOing to affect lives.
All in God’s hands. Peace
lauren.susan
Prayer Requests: Safety in travel. Health in arrival (so I don’t get pegged for a Swine Flu victim- ee gads). That I find the women who are picking me up from the airport! And that the city welcomes me with sights and sounds to remember!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)