Of Style and Starvation

“Find rest, O my soul [in God alone]… Hope comes.” (My variation of Psalm 62:5). Today I asked the Lord to let my soul find rest- the things I’m seeing just don’t make sense. I was right in saying that trauma would be a regular presence. I walk past starvation/defecation every day. And all I do is walk away.

I went shopping yesterday for traditional wear (Salwars and Saris) at the “mall.” Much of my experience was entirely what I expected it to be, the rest was not so. Sometimes it’s the strangest things that haunt you the most. Here is my account…

I go shopping to buy pretty things: Sari’s, Salwar’s, purses, jewelry, fancy with color and culture. I collect my souvenirs and walk out with a smile- what a deal! Carrying my goods/goodies I walk to an auto (a taxi of sorts). My feet move and my heart stops- I see an old man stuck on the ground in motionless misery. He looks like the oldest man on earth. His skin clings to every fragile bone in his body. He reaches out in silence. I've never seen frailty like his. The frailty of facing death at any moment. I’ve never seen eyes like his. Eyes that express unspeakable need. I've seen the poor before, but not like this. This was different. Yet I continue walking. His outstretched hand receives none of my wealth, I keep it for myself. His belly receives no food, mine is full. I grasp my bags and walk away.

Today I feel wretched- almost as if I’ve missed every word that Christ has ever spoken, as if I’ve somehow lost all His commands. Singing the hymn “Count Your Blessings” this morning at office devotional brought tears to my eyes. What of the man who has no blessings to count? What song can he sing? I’m trying to bring this all to Christ, but what can I bring? What can I pray? Words (proper words) escape me. Today I wore my new purchase from last night’s shopping trip- a pretty new Salwar. People stop to compliment me: “Lauren that is so beautiful! Where did you get it?” My stomach sinks- did I spend money on colored fabric instead of giving that old man some food? Maybe some would say there’s no connection between the two. Some might say that I can’t live my life worrying about all these things- surely I will go crazy. But how can I avoid crazy? I cannot get that man's face out of my head. This world sucks. One man’s best day is another man’s worst. I just saw ‘worse’ and I did nothing. But I got up this morning and put on my smile, trying my best to enjoy South Asia despite its tragedy. I am brought to my knees. What have I done? What have I left undone? And what must I do now? Creation is dying- with hands outstretched and painful groaning. And still I sit here in my pretty new outfit. How can I make sense of such stark contrast? I know I am here to do a good thing with a great organization. Perhaps that is enough to make up for what I see every day and the way it shakes my very core. But what if it’s not enough? What if nothing is? Lord help us all.

Lauren.Susan

Prayer Requests: That hope comes, wisdom to know what to do in the face of daily tragedy, that I don’t grow numb to the horrors that we’re supposed to be paying attention to, and that you don’t either.